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A Note from Professor Snide: "Harry Palmer" Finally Available

Hello.  My name is Clement Snide, and I'm Harry Palmer's Science teacher.  The little blighter forces all of us here at St Brutus's to give him far more attention than he deserves, so it is only reluctantly that I direct your thoughts toward him in the present circumstances, but I think in doing so a greater good will be served.  In that spirit, I hereby announce that the true story of Mr Palmer's nefarious doings is now officially available. 

I think it's poetic justice (though I'm a man of science, as I mentioned) that the book chronicling the misdeeds of this wart on the body politic has been released on Friday the 13th.  He's truly a nightmare on any street he happens down.  Don't get me wrong; the long years he inflicted himself upon us here at school have not left me bitter.  The pharmaceutical industry has created far too many effective - one is tempted to say magical - remedies for that.  But a master of Public Relations once said (when he was preparing to release another, somewhat different sort of scourge upon the world) that you don't roll out new product in August, and we can only hope that by being foisted upon us now, the tale of Harry's exploits will be consigned to the profound obscurity it so richly deserves.  (I say this even though I narrated about a quarter of the book, the rest being given in the omniscient third person.  This otherwise inexplicable editorial decision was taken simply to sow confusion among any of Mr Palmer's delinquent associates who may attempt to read it - that is to say, those of them who are not, like Palmer himself, subliterate sociopaths.)

It's a pity I can't stay and chat, but the nice men are coming to wheel me out into the garden where they always give me a treat and I take a nap.  Many of Palmer's other teachers live here as well; perhaps I can talk one into having a word with you while we feed the ducks.

Introducing Harry Palmer

Welcome to Harry Palmer's blog. Harry is the star of his own new blockbuster novel and will have some things to say about this and about that, but first, let's introduce him.

Harry Palmer, a parody of JK Rowling's delightful first novel, is reminiscent of other spoofs, such as The Ditches of Edison County. (Note to the lawyers: And like those other works legal, and not an infringement of the fabulous Ms Rowling's copyright!) In this book we finally learn the truth, however, that Harry isn't a wizard, he's a juvenile delinquent and a con-artist. He takes advantage of his soft-hearted aunt (and women like her, such as Professor McGargle, as well as the author of his tell-all memoirs), in order to gain advantages over his teachers and other students, and to cover up his shortcomings in the real world. This book came about because some of his teachers and other acquaintances wanted to give an account of Harry's first year at an English boarding school and reveal how the widely-circulated tale is in actuality self-serving propaganda, a product of both Harry's over-sized ego and his Machiavellianism. In those tales, Harry constantly placed himself at the center of events, and painted his thoughts and deeds as noble and heroic, when in truth he was a marginal figure whose doings were underhanded (and funny, although he might not always see it that way).

Harry Palmer and the School for Sordid Sorties is a humorous look at the escapades of a juvenile delinquent, which have more down-to-earth explanations than the outlandish stories you may have heard. His interest in magic is how Harry ingratiates himself with a doddering old headmaster whose interest in Celtic mysticism and witchcraft (and savior complex) blinds him to Harry's true colors. Rather than Quidditch (what the heck is that?), the school is mad for polo, but Harry isn't the star of his house's team. He has some misadventures on a horse and around the stables, at one point trying to pilfer something valuable from another student and being carried off with it by a cantankerous horse who takes him for a hair-raising and hilarious ride. (The horse, a cranky, stubborn old mare, had been assigned to Harry by some grooms to get back at Harry for his rudeness.)

The scheming Harry is surrounded by other amusing characters, including the puny, conniving, and animal-hating groundskeeper Haggard, Drake Mollify, straight-shooting son of a hyper-critical father he's always working hard to please, and Drake's two close friends, Denis Crumbe and Geoffrey Galle. Crumbe and Galle are small and shy, but witty, and always ready with a sarcastic comment on Harry and his crew or to sneak out on a night-time mission to foil one of their nefarious plots. They have lots of run-ins with Harry and his friends Juan Walsey, the biggest, toughest first-year (and carbon-copy of his older, twin siblings, the school bullies and Drake's main polo rivals), and Perdita Grungy, a bushy -haired, buck-toothed girl who tries her best to appear wordly and seductive, but always ends up falling flat on her face (and looking very un-sexy).

Harry urges you to buy his book so he can afford to send Haggard out to buy him some beer every now and again, and so he doesn't always have to steal his cigarettes. He says he might be commenting on this site from time to time when the mood strikes him. If he's not too busy stealing hubcaps, that is. Or, we may hear from one of the Dimsleys or their neighbors from Little Wanking, or a teacher or classmate from St Brutus's, and its famous Wing for Criminally Insane Children. Until then, feel free to leave a comment (and all you delinquents please watch the bad language).